By Dr. Samuel O Aruleba (PhD)
Besides the wedding day of a woman, another notable occasion to exercise joy and fun memory is when a wife secures an entry visa to re-join her husband overseas. The white Kingdoms of the USA and Europe are treated with befitting send-off parties where circumstances permit.
This is the time when one leaves behind the burning heat of Lagos, Kano, or Owerri coasts. It is the time the ear piercing tooting horns of danfo and molue in Lagos and the incessant power blackouts nationwide are forgotten. However, such decision to put one's wife on the plane for a reunion overseas in most cases ends in tears and regrets. Nigerian women are fast learners and they easily fit in to new environmental orders especially when such would elevate their status and give them new authority and recognition.
I grew up to learn from the lips of our elders that when you are in Rome, you behave like the Romans. But it is not required that one abandons his culture at the gate of Rome. Up till this day, I still do not know how Romans behave as I have never stepped a foot on the Roman soil in spite of over three decades of residing with their neighbour - The United Kingdom. Moreover, the word "Rome" in this discourse represents the new society one finds himself outside his own immediate customary domain be it geographical, economic, social or cultural. From Nigeria, travelling to London "the seat of our colonial masters" seems a lifetime ambition for many that are already sapped to their economic skeleton by the short-sighted policies of the incorrigibly corrupt home government. When one is driven out by economic circumstances to seek the Golden Fleece elsewhere or invited by another to live together and further strengthen their relationship, the propensity to depart from the normal life inevitably becomes real. The centre piece of this writing focuses on the latter scenario, which puts the lens on the behaviours of Nigerian women in the UK. For sure, UK is not Nigeria. The UK government through the establishment of welfare system in place is able to care for its citizens. In Nigeria, it is a family affair; period. According to the Office of National Statistics (2010), the UK is populated by 62million peoples (i.e. mixed origins) of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland while Nigeria is believed (based on convenient census) to be about 150m of forcefully fixed homogeneous individuals from three formal independent nations of the Hausa/Fulani, Ibo and Yoruba.
Normally, Nigeria culture backed by the scripture puts the husband over the wife in policy making and decision taking on most issues affecting their relationship. Such overriding rights extend to the dressing code for women, socialising, upbringing of children, societal attitude and behavioural conformity, catering services, and above all, unconditional appropriate honour and respect from wives to their husbands. It is regarded as taboo for a woman to disobey or disrespect her husband in Nigeria. Any erring woman faces the wrath of her husband and the society would instantly push the button of hatred and slam the door of isolation in her face. It is a bad omen for a woman to be sent packing from her matrimonial home for any offence whatsoever and received unaccompanied by her parents in Nigeria. A track In Iyawo Olele - a classic record album released in the 1970s' by a Nigerian juju music icon "Dr. Orlando Owoh" sent a compelling message to all married women when he said "aya to ba gbo t'oko re ni o nfi eja nje iyan, eyi ti ko ba gbo ti oko, a gba bata lori". It translates to 'an obedient wife is the one being treated to sumptuous dinner but the rebellious one faces maltreatment. No wonder, home based Nigerian women remain loyal and obedient to their husbands in all circumstances till death does them apart.
Better described as housewives, home-based Nigerian women are fed and clothed by their husbands and pay for the children's education right up to the University level. The home tie is so strong that children stay behind and live with their parents until they are ready to marry, the time they disengage from the strong arms of their fathers. Even in their freedom after marriage into their independent life, the father's home remains the family centre for all to assemble at festival times, for example, at Christmas, Easter and Ileya. Like these traditional wives, children would not only listen to their father but also keep a burning desire of his love in their heart forever. Home desertion would never be contemplated.
Fathers' word is law and does not change even at the protest stance of the mother. Born or brought in as immigrants, Nigerian women in the UK provide a different ideology that sees them in equal measure to their husband. And since the Kingdom is ruled by a woman (Queen Elizabeth), it becomes a woman's world where men issues and influences become secondary.
The provision of financial packages - unemployment benefit, child credit allowance, job seekers' allowance, single parents benefits, free or highly subsidised housing for the jobless and homeless, free dinner for children whose parents claim unemployment benefits, free bus rides for children under 19years, and £30 weekly payment as education maintenance allowance "EMA" for 6th form students to encourage regular school attendance and punctuality.
In addition, University students are given next to free interest based loans and substantial maintenance allowance to carry them throughout their studies. Hmmn! Then what would be the responsibility of the husband when the government has made life comfortable for our women and the children from their early setting? So, how could any man control his wife and children in the face of the opulent life they find themselves in the Garden of Eden known as the London sanctuary?
No wonder the UK at 75per cent is running the highest society of divorced and single parents in civilised world. No wonder the Nigerian women in the UK keep abandoning their husbands on flimsy excuses and phantom domestic disagreements. No wonder the Nigerian women immigrants in the UK find it convenient and easy to dictate to their husbands the rules, which the family must follow if only to have peace together.
No wonder the Nigerian women in the UK have the power to sack their husband and keep the children alone. No wonder the Nigerian children in the UK unrepentantly begrudge their fathers to the pleasure of their mothers' indoctrination. No wonder that the solemn declaration of "for better for worse" has given way for "for better for stay and for worse for run" at the UK terminal. That-notwithstanding, there are still few decent Nigerian women in the UK society who refused to be carried away by the treats of Her Majesty.
They hold their husbands to the highest dignified esteem regardless of any shortcoming believing that one day; they may likely go back home - man's world and where the man is king. The majority of those women that are found wanting seem uneducated and unable to interpret their new environment to their advantage in the long run. Discontentment, friends' influence arising from bad company, arrogance, greed and lack of independent mind all stand as evil machinations against the doctrine of decorum expected of many others that have fallen on the blade of shameless matrimonial destruction in recent times.
Email: sehindearuleba@aol.com
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