By Paul Y. Harry
One of such funny and stupid inventions is the thing called kissing. Every time I see a woman and a man kissing, I almost always fall on the ground from laughter. And, frankly, it is one of the human inventions or activities that show that human beings are stupid creatures.
Thank God I have not kissed before, and I have no plan to try it in my entire life. Kiss somebody, or allow somebody to kiss me? Over my dead body - over my grave! I refuse to be part of that other stupid thing.
There are many reasons why I consider kissing a stupid and unnecessary practice and refuse to kiss any girl or woman; however, I will provide about fifteen reasons in the articles under the title "This Stupid Thing Called Kissing." Are you ready? Let's start...
It Makes Me Laugh
The first reason why I consider kissing a stupid thing is that it "cheeklet" - tickles - me. Some of these girls, when they get ready to kiss you, they lick your lips, lick your ears, lick your nose, lick your neck and lick other stupid places. And every time I imagine a girl's tongue around my ears, I laugh my guts out. So think about the reality being experienced.
It happened a few days ago. One girl wanted to try it on me. I hugged her and, quickly, she grabbed my left ear and started licking around it as if it were a kind of sweet candy. I burst into laughter and jerked my ear from her stupid mouth.
"What happened?" she asked.
"It "cheeklet" - tickles - me. It's too funny to me," I told her.
"What?" she asked disappointingly.
"Yeah-o! da funny thing to me-o," I answered.
She hissed and left me. I was only grateful to God for that redemption. Whose ear she wanted to rub her stupid spit on? Me? Da na me. I Stupid?
It's Playing with Spit
The second reason why kissing is a stupid thing is that it is a kind of let's-play-with spit play. You have to suck and swallow your friend's spit, and they have to do the same to you. They also have to rub their stink spit all around your mouth and, sometimes, other parts of your body and you have to do the same, too. Are you people children to play with stink spit like that?
Kissing is nothing but playing with spit. Da me say so. Whe kinda stupid play is that? Play with stink spit like stupid kids? I na inside. Kissing? I na inside that other stupid play. I will not allow anyone to rub their stink spit on me. You like it, jack; you na like it Jack-o'-Lantern.
Some People Have Unclean Mouths
Some people's mouths are just not clean. They are all over the place eating roasted cassava, biscuits, doughnuts, roasted corn, cold bowl, pop corn, plantain chips, peanuts, potato greens soup, bitter ball soup, Fante Bread with butter, kala with pepper, and many other foods and food items and, when these things are eaten, people don't usually wash their mouths to remove the particles and others stuff left in the mouth, especially between the teeth and under the tongue. Da dey one I mohn go lick just like that? I stupid?
If I have to kiss a girl who has been eating peanuts or kanyan all day, I will be the one cleaning all that dirt from in her mouth. Not only that. I have to, in most instances, swallow it. Can you imagine da kinda stupid thing? Just by talking about it, my skin creeps. Eating someone else's decayed food? I stupid? Nobody will try that stupid thing on me.
To be continued ...
Seriously, my people, aren't these points to ponder?