Reality of marriage (2)By Aidy Thomas
READ PART (1)
Marriage is one place where your dreams give way to reality. All the wishful thinking meets with ‘what would be’. Different areas unfold their unique challenges:
Beginning: Starting a new venture could be both exciting and challenging. Some couples start having problems from the wedding planning through to signing of the register and it continues into the honeymoon and later. Where are the dreams of romance/good times nursed from childhood?
Patience didn’t get to wear her dream wedding gown, Samuel didn’t have enough people turning up for his big day, Tony was embarrassed the way it rained all day; they could not even take pictures at the expensive tourist venue he hired. Tanya woke up with swollen eye, and make up only made it worse. Rose got home only to discover the house did not actually belong to her husband —he had lied to her all along.
Managing your relationship from a bad start is something only a courageous soul can do. You have to tell yourself ‘I would have had a bad start but I wouldn’t let it end that way’. From here, you pull out your positive behaviour learnt through the years, apply counselling tips that may help and practically determine to let go of unpleasant feelings and concentrate on the good.
Children: Nora, as I chose to call her thought she would abandon her miserable job and settle as a full time mum/home-maker once she gets pregnant.
When she shared this vision with her husband before marriage, he really did not mind since he was financially sound; he had some well established businesses built over the years.
After wedding, honeymoon was pleasant; she thought there’s no way she could come back without ‘morning sickness’. Months after months, they hoped and checked for signs of ‘changes’ but nothing seemed to be evident apart from the fact that clothes were now a bit tight as a result of a few inches added to the waistline.
They explored the services/advice of medical practitioners, frequent visits and appointments soon turned to anxiety. The more they wanted to make babies the farther their realisation of it; well this is one aspect of life humans have little to contribute except you are ready to part with some fabulous amount for treatments and other things.
She mention her plans to quit work but her GP explained it would make her more anxious and bored; what would she be doing alone at home all day and sometimes a whole week when her husband is out for business meetings?
She felt so devastated and disappointed that things did not happen the way she planned. All her colleagues who already heard of her plans to dump her job for ‘mummy’s role’ kept asking when her resignation letter would come but it was difficult for her to open up and tell them that she was on the ‘waiting list’ but common sense would have delivered the message on her behalf. The little wisdom she applied was to stop talking about her family life and just concentrated on the job, even though she didn’t quite enjoy it.
Two years into the marriage, she became very ill at work; actually fainted and was rushed to the hospital. This was when it was announced she was six weeks pregnant and the rest…history.
What you do during your period of waiting determines to a great extent the quality of life you’ll live afterward. Mourning and lamenting about your lot makes you more anxious and depressed. The more you interact and associate with others, keeping yourself occupied, the better for you.
Learning how to handle emotions and adverse situations is great strength. The way to handle things you cannot control is… ‘control yourself’.
Career: Combining the home with career can be so demanding, most people do not know how to keep up with it. This seems to affect women more as the responsibility to raise children rests primarily on them. Even in situations where a clean agreement was reached to allow her continue in her profession, the man could wake up one morning and decide to go the opposite direction, telling her to stop work and face the home for some years. A woman who didn’t see this coming could feel so betrayed and insulted, wanting to call it quits with the speed of light.
If a man’s home on the other hand is not at peace, he might find it difficult to thrive in his job, especially if he’s involved in private practice or business. Having a troubled relationship affects the productive ability of both male and female.
Francis was doing very well at his marketing job until his wife started putting him under pressure; suspecting every move made with female clients. Gladys was a successful teacher but when her husband turned an alcoholic, she lost her balance.
Sex: The way to a man’s heart they say is his stomach but what if the quicker way to his heart is the bedroom? Good food is good health but sorry to say; food can be bought and enjoyed without queries, but do you get sex outside marriage with a smile from your spouse? A lot of marriages are sick because there is ‘cold’ in the bedroom.
Marriage was designed for intimacy and there is no replacement for it. When he wants it, he goes for it and if he doesn’t get it, there might be problems. ‘She’ might not ask for it openly but expects the one she loves to keep her warm.
Dashed sexual expectations hurt and can force many into shameful acts. Exercising self control is priceless and speaking to each other about the way you feel will help you sort things quickly. You might not be excellent though, but learning to please each other makes you better by the day.
What helps you handle marital shock and live with the reality of marriage is your willingness to make it work.