‘Women should never negotiate in marriage’
A
consultant anaesthetist and Head of Department of Anaesthesia, University of Calabar
Teaching Hospital, Calabar, Cross River
State, Dr. Mrs. Theresa
Abang Edentiekhe, speaks with BLESSING EKUM on the challenges of being a mum,
wife and a career woman and the place of a woman in marriage. Excerpts:
What aspect of your childhood would
you say has shaped you to be the woman you are today?
I
went to a Catholic school, so I wanted to be a reverend sister. But somewhere
along the line, I lost that desire because I came in touch with the Deeper Life
Church while in secondary school and they made me aware that the Catholic
concept I was brought up with and theirs was actually different and that
created some conflict within me and I wasn’t so sure that being a reverend
sister was what I really wanted to do anymore. As a child, I’d always wanted to
be a gynaecologist; so, to get to that point, I had to be a doctor. But
surprisingly, after I became a doctor, I did my NYSC in anaesthesia and I never
left, though it is challenging and intimidating. Anaesthesia is like trying to
play God though you are not God, because for the period a patient is under anaesthesia,
his life is in your hands. If you make any mistake, it can be frightening.
What has been the highest point of
your career?
The
highest point was when I graduated. It was like, ‘at long last, I am now a
doctor.’
And the lowest?
The
lowest was when I lost my first patient. That was in November 1994; 7 years
after I got into the specialty. I was devastated and ready to throw in the
towel. The incident actually altered everything for me because I never believed
I could lose a patient. It’s not that I am too good but that particular death
was unanticipated; maybe if I had seen it coming, I would have been consoled.
First, I did the case against my will and the method of anaesthetics I used was
equally against my will and since that day, once I have an intuition about a
case, I stick to my instincts because I don’t want to go wrong.
How have you been able to manage
your roles as a head of department, a pastor’s wife, the vice president of your
church’s women wing, a mum and a wife?
I
constantly ask myself if I have been able to strike a balance. As far as my job
is concerned, I take it very seriously. For the home front, I put in my best. I
grew up to see my mum buy foodstuffs in bulk, so that has helped me. I stock up
so that any time I come home, I can cook. In spite of all I’m handling, I still
do the cooking in my home. I think every woman that intends to have a home and
keep it needs to know how to cook.
What has kept you going?
When
I look at the blessings, all I can say is ‘thank you God’ and that helps me
push ahead. I don’t look at the bad aspects of things, I look at the lessons
behind what is happening and I tell myself ‘the darkest hour is just before
dawn’. So when I feel the stress is too much, I encourage myself that there is
joy around the corner and whatever I am striving for, I would get.
How and when did you meet your
husband?
We
had mutual friends and they would say ‘there is this young man looking for a
wife’ and I used to ask them if I told them I was looking for a husband. I felt
men were trouble and that I’d have to be at someone’s beck and call 24/7 and as
far as I knew, I didn’t need them. So when he came around, I told him off. I
went as far as telling him that even if I wanted a husband, he didn’t fit into
the picture because I wanted a pastor and not just pastors that are full of
themselves but those that depend on God for everything. He just looked at me
and smiled and was trying to tell me he was a leader in his church but I just
dismissed him. We met a year later and he told me he had prayed and God told
him I was his wife. So I told him to allow me pray also, but truly speaking I
wasn’t interested. My neighbour, who was a pastor’s wife, encouraged me to pray
about it for a week and I put the mater into prayer with a request for a sign.
Just
before the week ran out, the sign was confirmed. He went to my father for
blessing and surprisingly, my father gave the go-ahead. That then gave him the
courage to come back to me and ask again and this time around, I agreed.
How has the journey been so far?
It
has been good. When it seems rough, I remind God that he brought me into it and
since He can’t lie, He sees me through.
Is there any of your children in the
medical line?
My
daughter actually wants to tow my line. My first daughter says she wants to be
a doctor, pastor and politician because being a pastor would make her serve God
and bring people closer to God; being a doctor would help save lives but
because doctors don’t have money, she would go into politics so that she would
have money. My son on the other hand says he can’t marry a doctor because they
are always working.
In your opinion, is marriage about
submission or negotiation on the woman’s part?
A
woman should never negotiate in marriage. Whichever way it seems, she should
just hand it over to God. I always tell women, ‘if you submit, your husband
will love you; when you don’t, he would want to prove to you that he is the
man. In fact, he will derive pleasure in suppressing you. But when he knows
that his wife is there for him, he would want to encourage you.’ Some women use
certain things as weapons and that is wrong. No matter how tired I am, I have
never been too tired for my husband. If I am too tired for him, there are so
many ladies out there, even in the church, who would come and want to start
getting close. Why give room for the devil? Don’t let anybody deceive you, if
you don’t have a cordial relationship with your husband, there will be times
you will just ask yourself what you’ve got yourself into and would opt out of
the marriage. But when your husband is your friend, brother and mentor and you
encourage each other, you will never get tired of the marriage.
What is your take on plastic surgery
for beauty enhancement?
It
is very unafrican. Where I come from, women are supposed to be chubby. If you
are skinny, it is like your parents don’t have money to feed you. We still
practice the fattening room tradition in Oron, where I am from. The lady would
be in the fattening room for about nine months. Her hair would be shaved before
she goes into the room so that it would grow afresh. She would be taught how to
cook, take care of her home, husband and babies. At the same time, she is
fattened up and taken care of till her skin is smooth and glistening and she
has gained weight. That is our tradition.
source: Tribune
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