By Oluwatoyin Akinola
Like most toddlers are wont to do, she made a detour and went for mummy’s bag, rummaging through hoping she would find something of interest, and her search was not in vain as she found a square shaped small parcel bound severally with black thread. She tugged at it in vain busying herself with it as she now gave it 100 per cent attention, sitting with it on the floor.
Somehow, maybe by just sheer instinct her father looked in her direction, having not heard her voice for some minutes.“Eni baby what are you doing there,” he said, giving her a cursory glance as he turned back his attention to the television.“Oh, shit! I’m hungry, I’m not watching this match again”, he stood up disappointed with his team’s performance, only for him to suddenly stop, to look at whatever it was that had engaged his three-year-old daughter in the last four of five minutes or so.
“Eni, let me have that”, he said as he took the small parcel from the tot, who handed it over without resistance. Wondering what on earth it was, he walked into the kitchen to find out from his wife.“Anike, I found Eni playing with this, what is it?” he asked as his wife turned round from the bowl of eba she was making, looking bewildered. “I can explain”, she stammered sinking to her knees. “I’m listening, her husband said calmly but his face was hard as steel.
Whatever explanation Anike had that day sure did not hold water or make sense to him, as the little girl’s discovery became her mother’s albatross, which led to the dissolution of her 10-year union to Gbemisola.
If there was one thing Gbemisola frowned upon, it was being fetish, visiting herbalists, native doctors and the like. And at every opportunity, he shared his dislike of such practice with his wife. Thus he found it unthinkable on that day to discover that his wife had actually patronized a native doctor and brought home one of his preparations. Despite explanations that the charm was not diabolical, and not aimed at hurting, he insisted she had to leave despite the entreaties from his relatives.
Gbemisola never looked back on his decision, even as he single-handedly raised his three kids – two girls and a boy. Although he hardly shares the story, but a few of his close pals knew what happened and respected his decision. And he did a good job with the kids. His friends often joked that he was the only candidate for Honourable Daddy of the Year Award recipient. And that was how Anike used her hands to throw away her marriage with disobedience. Though she has moved on with her life, she uses every opportunity to warn her daughter, Temitayo, who is now in her early 20s not to jeopardize her happiness through disobedience, especially by being fetish.
Mrs Yinka Ajibowo, a nurse, says fundamentally, a woman can ruin herself, and by extension her children, especially daughters, if she fails to keep her home by instilling discipline and virtues in the children.
“If a woman is nonchalant about discipline in the home, she is indirectly teaching the children to be wayward. Especially for the girl-child, the consequences will be dire. There is tendency that she could become promiscuous and grow into a dysfunctional woman who may not be able to keep her home,” Ajibowo says.
But aside the fundamental task of a woman holding it together on the home front, late Pastor Bimbo Odukoya, a televangelist, notes in her book, Woman fight for your Marriage, that some women also delude themselves with some myths such that they end up getting disappointed when it doesn’t turn out the way they expected.
One of these is the myth that their spouses can change. According to her, no human being has the ability to change another. It is the Holy Spirit that can do that. Thus many women have gone to an early grave because they felt their abusive husband would change.
This illusion that the man may change is believed to have ultimately led to the death of Mrs. Titi Arowolo, a banker who was allegedly killed by her husband. Violence was a constant feature in her marriage. After a series of fights and making up, she thought her husband would change. She was so optimistic that she confided in her sister that he was now his best friend. But alas, her best friend killed her eventually.
Staying in an abusive marriage makes no sense, says Pastor Dennis Inyang, Senior Pastor of Sure Word Assembly, Okota: “The Bible does not support domestic violence. In Ephesians chapter five, a husband is commanded to love his wife and care for her like his own body. In my opinion, a man who beats his wife is insane; it’s only those who have lost their mind that take pleasure in hurting themselves. The same applies to a woman who beats her husband.
To kill your spouse is outside the contemplation of scripture. I do not support divorce but I do not believe you must remain in an abusive marriage and get killed. The Bible does not say that you cannot divorce but it says if you divorce you should not remarry. The solution is to seek help early. In some cases, a temporary separation while a couple submits to counseling may help them realign. I do not have the impression that the Arowolos sought help at all,” says the seasoned marriage counsellor and minister of the gospel.
And for a system that still condones domestic violence, the problem will persist says Barrister Biola Akiode of Women Advocate and Research Centre, except it is brought to the front burner like other political issues.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, an American psychologist and radio personality, in her book, 10 Things Women do to Mess up Themselves, noted that a woman can allow herself to be messed up right from the point of dating. Dating should be about selecting not being selected, having a baby to tie him down, also does not make sense as the lady gets wiped at the end.
“When a woman starts to shirk her responsibilities to her husband, taking care of him and attending to his needs, then she’s heading for disaster,” says Mrs. Victoria Edeton, a public relations strategist. For her, a woman must be up and doing, she should also not use the excuse of the children to deprive her husband the attention he deserves from her. Failure to do so puts her husband at risk of other women, who would gladly ‘help’. her do this and take over her husband.
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